STARK TRAGEDY STARES AT A WELL TO DO FAMILY

What does one do when he has a  highly educated son, an architect by profession, who does no work, stays at home all the time and fights with the parents ? Tom in fact had been well employed. But he took every one by surprise when he  quit the job after twenty years of service. His wife had divorced him a few years ago as she could not suffer him for more than two years of married life. For her divorce was bliss. Fortunately there were no children.

Tom was  staying in his own house half a Kilometer from his parents' place. But he made the parents look after all his needs including food, non alcoholic beverages, essential articles and even money though he had tucked away  ten million Indian Rupees in his bank accounts. It was a pitiful sight when the parents trekked the distance four times a day to keep Tom well supplied with all his necessities  365 days a year.

In legal terms it is called cruelty to the elderly that  is a cognizable offence.

Tom relished the enforced hospitality. He enjoyed ringing up all the friends and relatives of his parents and siblings and speak ill of them without any let up.

Tom was an abject failure in stewardship. He did not take good care of the wonderful capabilities he had been  blessed with. In other terms he was not employing  the talents he had and was letting them rust. When you waste your talents  you are wasting your life. Is it not?

Tom was  the eldest son in the family and he had two younger brothers, Mark and Mathew, who along with their families  were staying with their parents. They were  senior officers in the State Government in their prime. The presence of Mark and Mathew kept the parents, both seventy five years of age  in a semblance of normalcy. Mark, an accountant  had a son, Phil and Mathew, a teacher had a son Dave.  Their wives were nurses in the District Hospital at Kollam 65 Km away from their residence. Fortunately they could commute and that kept the family going. As the eldest, Tom had  received  plenty of love and affection from the parents, the sole and lone recipient till the twins had  arrived, a couple of years later. Tom grew morose when he saw that he had to share everything with his siblings. He hated them even though the  siblings  loved him to the end of the world. The paradox was that he never even loved or respected the parents from whom he had unabashedly sourced love and affection.Tom never shared anything with his siblings. He never bought anything for his parents or flooded them with gifts from his earnings like most of the people did. He found joy in receiving and taking.  Though life is  a give and take affair Tom never gave anything away.

The truth was, the house where Tom resided, had been built by the parents. The demand Tom had been making on the parents consistently was that they had to turn the twins and their families out of their house. He was oblivious of the fact that the twins had been taking good care of the parents.

Exasperated, the parents sought help from Manoj, a counselor. Manoj, after a few sessions with the parents, Tom, Mark and Mathew could see that it was 'Helicopter parenting' that had played havoc in the family. 

Manoj assessed through protracted interactions that the parents had  deliberately kept self  confidence out of the children's system. They had felt they alone knew what was best for the children. They had thought the children  were incapable of taking decisions independently. They had appropriated decision making to themselves on behalf of their children.  The obedient children went along with the parents. It was quite convenient for the children. They never had to think or initiate any action on their own. It was wonderful for the children. But the outcome was terrible.   They became incompetent. Incompetent on every sphere projecting them as incapable on every count no matter their academic achievements. They  were never prepared to face the world. The parents forgot the major role in parenting. The fact that the children became  abject failures suited the parents well. They had the major role in all their decisions and their lives. Look at where it had landed the poor children when they grew up.  'Incompetence thy names are Tom, Mark and Mathew.'

Manoj knew he could alter the situation. He told Tom,  Mark and Mathew that he was there to give  them a hand. He said they could  retrieve the status. if they would be  with him. He told them life was to live.  He advised them not to saddle life with imponderables or perceived atrocities mounted on them with a vehemence or vengeance by people closer to them. 

He advised, "You can't live in the past. You can't redraw the past. It is the present that matters. Live in the present. Act to make it pleasant. Make the best of your life. I am  to give you a hand. I want you to do well in life."

Manoj carried on, "In the good old days everyone you came across could teach you

something that you had never been aware of. That was  how you had  learned. The more you learned you would  learn that you have more to learn. You would learn that you were prejudiced and blind. You would  learn that every person was different. You would  understand that the difference was to be celebrated and respected and not ridiculed. You would learn that nothing was  beyond an enthusiastic driver who refused to take no for an answer."

Although Tom had reservations Manoj somehow managed to fix up an interface with Tom after several attempts. Manoj had the shock of his life when Tom like he had been doing to all his visitors had locked him in.

Though Manoj feared for his own life,  he took courage in seeking out what was wrong with the odd family he had come across. It was a vitriolic out pour from Tom. He said he was sick of his parents,  the siblings and their families. They were all conspiring to destroy him physically, mentally  and financially. He dwelt on his favorite theme of banishment of  his siblings and their families from the parents' place. As he was unemployed he wanted his parents to transfer the title of the house that belonged to his parents to his name. While Manoj queried where the parents should stay after the transfer of the property Tom shirked his head and replied it was none of his business.

While Manoj could see that Tom's mental equilibrium was in tatters, he put a series of  questions to Tom in order to resolve the vexed issues that had plagued him. He asked whether Tom had at any point of time  returned  the love and affection  to his  parents or the siblings. Manoj put to Tom to think for a while and provide an honest answer and if the response  was positive Tom had to look inward to determine if it was really true. He further advised Tom that if it was  not, he had to look for where he had gone wrong and make amends.

Manoj quoted 'The Duchess of Malfi' a drama written by John Webster in 1612- 13 where the central characters are a Duke and a Duchess and where one doesn't come across the Duchess in it except through the monologues of the Duke. The Duke is autocratic. He brooks no competition. He steamrollers everyone he suspects. The Duchess was no exception meeting a gory end.

Manoj conveyed to Tom, "It tells you why you are what you are."

Tom had no answer to a series of questions from Manoj.

"Do you know you have two nephews? Do you know that their names are Philip and Dave? Do you know that Philip is Phil? Do you know that they are two adorable boys? Do you know where they are studying? Do you know the class they are in? Have you ever seen them face to face? Have you ever uttered a word to them? Have you ever expressed your love to them through words or deeds? Have you shown kindness to them? Have you ever gifted them even a piece of Chocolate ?What wrong had those little angels done to you to ignore them out and out?"

Manoj continued, "It may be you don't like their parents. But remember when you are in  dire straits -physical or mental- you would only have your own siblings to extend a hand to lift you up. Do not love them, do hate them  but keep in mind  there would be no one else to lend you a hand."

Tom responded, "God would be there."

The counselor reminded, " But God acts only through the chosen ones. For a human being they are the parents, siblings and close relatives in that order at the end."

Tom replied, " I don't care."

Manoj understood it was a lost cause and parted with a poser, " Would you ever be what you always have to be?"

Manoj heaved a sigh of relief when Tom unlocked the doors and the gate and allowed him to step into freedom. He advised the parents who were waiting anxiously that counseling alone would  be inadequate to cure Tom. Tom was in urgent need of medical attention.

As neither the parents nor Tom were in agreement with Manoj on the diagnosis,  status quo remained in the family.   

Manoj guaged the spirited evasion may only be  the forerunner  of  an all consuming explosion that no one could prevent. It could occur anytime without any notice as  the actors were all on a self destruct mode.

Manoj left for home after crossing his fingers hoping  nothing untoward would ever occur.