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Adam Grant, in 'Think Again' presents a student who had approached him for advice.
She had explained to him, when she chose Wharton, she had focussed too much on getting into the best school and too little on finding the best fit. She wished she had picked a college with a more carefree culture and a stronger sense of community. Now that she was clear on her values, she was considering a transfer to a school that would make her happier.
A few weeks later she told Adam Grant that a moment in class had helped her rethink her plan. It wasn't the research on happiness they discussed, the values survey she took or the decision making activity they did.
It was a comedy sketch he showed her from 'Saturday Night Live'
The scene stars Adam Sandler as a tour guide. In a mock commercial, advertising his company's Italian tours, he mentions that customer reviews sometimes expresses disappointment. He takes the opportunity to remind customers what a vacation can and can't do for them.
"There is a lot a vacation can do.. Help you to unwind. See some different looking squirrels. But it cannot fix deeper issues, like how you behave in group settings."
"We can take you on a hike. We can't turn you into someone who likes hiking."
"Remember, you are still gonna be on vacation. If you are sad, where you are and then you get on a plane to Italy, the you in Italy will be the same sad you from before, just in a new place."
When we pursue happiness, we often start by changing our surroundings. We expect to find bliss in a warmer climate or a friendlier dorm. But any joy that those choices bring about is typically temporary.
Ernest Hemingway said, "You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another."
Our happiness depend more on what we do than where we are. It's our actions - not our surroundings - that bring us meaning and belonging.
The student decided not to seek a transfer.
Instead of where she went to school, she would rethink how she spent her time.
She might not be able to change the culture of an entire insitution, but she could create a subculture.
She started doing weekly coffee chats with classmates and invited the ones who shared her interests and values over for weekly tea sessions.
A few months later she reported that she has formed several close friendships and was thrilled with her decision to stay.
The impact didn't stop there. Her tea gatherings became a tradition for welcoming students who felt out of place. Instead of transferring to a new community, they built their own community.
They weren't focussing on happiness. They were looking for contribution and connection
Think Again
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